There's no place like home.

Many of my friends both in real life and on Facebook have seen my latest finished cross-stitch. What initially attracted me to this design was the bright contrast between Dorothy's red shoes and the various greys that make up her legs. There were about 50 shades of grey too...or so it seemed to me by the time I'd finished!

As many of my friends know, I have been recently going through a bit of a battle with depression and anxiety and, while I still have my own flat, I have actually been living back at my parents house for the past couple of months. Initially, it was the only way my Mum could guarantee I would eat and get out of bed some days.

In finishing 'Dorothy' and receiving praise from people who saw it, I reflected on the words 'there's no place like home'. 

I am a 'home girl' - always have been, always will be. I make no excuse for this and don't have any desire to be any different. I wasn't nicknamed 'Boomer-Anna' for nothing when I was at Uni! Apart from this recent 'blip' with my mental health, and even while in the throws of battling it at its worse, I live independently. I rent a flat, run a car, pay bills, budget and save for the usual things. As the 90's girl band Destiny's Child would say 'I depend on me.' But, just for the moment, I am receiving what I call 'care in the community' at my parents house.

Sometimes, when my brain starts being difficult, I need more support from the people who know me the best - my family and close friends. And I relish in the fact that I have such a wonderful support network - one close friend who I saw yesterday often comments on how close I am to my family and I LOVE THAT FACT! Even when my depression and anxiety are securely in their box, I love spending time with those people that I feel 100% myself with and who I know will accept me no matter what state I'm in - happy, smiley Anna as well as withdrawn, quiet Anna (usually with a good dose of red puffy eyes thrown in for good measure).

So while, as Dorothy reminds us, there is no place like home, for me home doesn't necessarily have to be a building. Yes, we all need a place to call home; somewhere we can sleep, eat and wash. But 'home' can also be felt when in the company of those who mean the most to us, no matter the geography.

Blooming recycling.

So today seems to be a bit of a wobbly day - emotions running high - but I'm hoping to meet a friend later who, having experienced mental illness herself, is a great person to chat to and I love her to bits.

Despite my wobbles, my aim today was to crack on with making some flowers out of pages from old magazines. Being a huge fan of Pinterest, and not being adverse to recreating some of the crafty things I spy on it, these flowers are something I spotted a while ago now but never really had the time or inclination to have a go at making one. I bought the floristry tape and wooden skewers...and always have access to old magazines. A true case of 'all the gear, no idea'!

Fortunately, the main tool for the job (some herb scissors) I already had...and having discovered they're useless for cutting up herbs (the herbs get stuck between the blades) and was more the willing to redeploy them.

So, the first job? Folding the paper in half lengthways and then concertina each page back on itself so you end up with three folds.

Next, take the redeployed herb scissors (which have now become shredding scissors!) and, with the folds facing up, cut along the strip taking care to leave a 1cm section uncut...or you will actually end up with shredded paper...and you can't make the type of flowers like this with individual strips of paper!

Once the paper is cut as above, apply a piece of double-sided tape to one end and taking a wooden skewer, gently roll the strip round the skewer. I've found it easier to add the double-sided tape in small sections rather than one huge length. 

You need to keep the tension of the roll as tight as possible and push it up (but not so it falls off the end of the skewer...yes that happened to me!) to form a nice rounded flower head. 

Once the flower is rolled, wrap some sellotape or masking tape tightly around the base to pull the paper in and to secure the end.

Take the floristry tape and gently pull on the tape as you wrap it round the skewer and flower base. The warmth of your hand will activate the glue on the tape so it sticks.

And 'ta-dah'...your flower is complete! You can tweak and fluff up the 'petals' as much as necessary.

Here is a collection of my finished flowers. I've made one from coloured paper (80gsm) but I found it harder to wind around the skewer...so have reverted to magazine pages. A great way of recycling old magazines.

Jigsaw hypnosis

My latest 'make', and the first to feature in my blog, is a break away from my usual creative pursuits. A good ol' jigsaw puzzle!

My niece and nephew, the ever-beautiful Hannah and William, were recently over in the UK with my sister and brother-in-law, staying in Bexhll for the Easter weekend. While in the town, my mum bought them a jigsaw and, being the amazing Aunty that I am, I sat down to help them make a start, with the first job being, of course, to separate the edge pieces from the centre pieces. Easter activities, the sunshine and the children's desire to be outside, on the beach or in the park, quickly made their enthusiasm for the jigsaw fade. But this wasn't the same for me...

Over the past week, I have found myself continually drawn back to the jigsaw. I'd be strolling past on the way to do something, and would spend a few minutes trying to get a few pieces in their places. For me, focussing on the picture of the finished jigsaw and all the pieces has been strangely hypnotic. With the colours and shapes of the individual pieces to study, turn round and fit into place, my mind became calm. A strange sense of achievement would come from finding the right piece for a specific section and attaching it to its neighbour.

There were two frustrations, but these were quick to dissipate in the 'zen-like' atmosphere I created for myself. Firstly, the occasional chaos caused by pieces getting stuck to the side of my hand as I placed a new piece in position...shattering the peace and gradual perfection of the emerging picture. Secondly...I was one piece missing at the end. The perils of a charity shop buy perhaps?

No...I'd been sitting on the blighter! Ah the joy of a completed jigsaw!

My name is Anna...

My name is Anna.

I am a bubbly, clever and funny woman.

I have been described as a ray of sunshine.

Some would call me beautiful.

But there is something about me that few people know.

I suffer from depression and anxiety.

Why me?

I don't know.

Depression and anxiety, when at their worst, are debilitating, self-sufficient illnesses.

They feed off each other.

My brain knows what's rational

But can only focus on the irrational.

I tell myself I'm okay, I'm well-liked and good at my job

All the while crying my eyes out from uncontrollable despair.

'Focus on the positives'

I've tried that.

'Get a grip'

Yep, that too.

'Everyone has bad days, tomorrow's another day'

You don't say.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a weak person

Because I can't 'get a grip' 

Yet I am stronger than you realise

As sometimes, everyday is a fight.

A fight to get out of bed

A fight to get dressed

A fight to eat despite having no appetite.

A fight between my rational and irrational brain.

No one can see the pain and hurt

But it hurts.

It hurts a lot

And is exhausting.

I know I won't be like this forever

But that's sometimes difficult to believe.

How can you see the light when you don't know how long the tunnel is?

Some people don't understand mental illness.

How can you understand something you've never experienced?

And I hope they never experience it.

Some people have asthma,

Some have diabetes,

Some have a condition that needs daily medication.

Depression and anxiety are no different.

Just because you can't see my daily fight,

It doesn't mean that it's not there,

That it's not happening.

Yes there is help out there

But sometimes even asking for help is hard.

If I don't know what will help me

How can I expect anyone else to?

What do I need to feel stronger?

Time, patience and support.

It's a lonely fight sometimes.