A few weeks ago, in the midst of trying to corral my 'black dog' back into his kennel (he's a long-haired shaggy black dog if anyone's interested), I made a pledge as part of the 'Time to Change' campaign led by UK mental health charities Mind and Rethink Mental Illness. My pledge was to tell my story and help stop the stigma attached to mental illness. Being open and honest is often very hard but I have found it surprising how much strength my 'black dog' loses when I do share my experiences. So, just in case you know where I'm coming from 'YOU ARE NOT ALONE'.
Everyone is different of course. Some have blonde hair, some brown. Some like chocolate, some don't (who are these people who fall into this second group?!). Some will never experience mental illness (lucky sods), some will have to learn how to take control and learn how to live with their mental health condition...in a similar way that those with physical illnesses have to manage theirs.
There are many websites giving details of the symptoms of depression and anxiety - some have surprisingly short lists, others longer. But everyone who has ever experienced this horrible, debilitating illness knows that your own list is as individual as your fingerprint, as your DNA.
Many clinical and charitable websites give various lists of the symptoms experienced (links to these can be found at the bottom of this post). The overall list could go on forever, so as this blog is about me, here are the symptoms that I have the joy of knowing well!
Physical
- Nausea
- Tense muscles
- Decreased appetite (the only bonus of my latest battle is the fact I've lost 2 stone in weight!)
- Headaches
- Feeling light-headed
- Heart palpitations
- Frequent crying spells
- Poor sleep and early waking
- Needing the toilet more frequently
- Churning in the pit of your stomach
- Experiencing panic attacks
One of the frustrating things with my depression and anxiety is that fact that I KNOW the rational, logical thing to do to help myself...but the illogical, irrational messages my brain sends out are much, much louder. For example, despite feeling restless and like I've too much adrenaline coursing through my body, moving or exercising to use this adrenaline can be one of the hardest things to do. My mum is known for dragging me out for a walk everyday and some days, it can be one of few achievements such as having a shower and getting dressed.
- Feeling tense, nervous and 'on edge'
- Having a sense of dread, or fearing the worst
- Feeling like other people can see you're anxious
- Feeling your mind is really busy with thoughts
- Dwelling on negative experiences, or thinking over a situation again and again (this is called rumination)
- Feeling restless and not being able to concentrate
- Feeling numb or emotionally 'flat'
- Feeling overwhelmed or overloaded
- Taking no pleasure in the things that usually interest, excite and calm
- Difficulty in making decisions
- Decline in self-confidence and self-esteem
Again, one of the worst psychological symptoms of depression and anxiety for me, is the negative things my brain tells me - I'm useless, I'm a failure, I'm worthless. And yes, some of you might say 'well ignore that voice...you're none of those things'. If it were only that simple!
One of the most personal ways that depression and anxiety affects my behaviour, and only very close friends, my parents and my GP know this is...
I have self-harmed.
Don't be shocked or worried, I never broke the skin and caused real injury to myself, but I have left scratch marks on my arm. Why did I do this when, even at the time, I remember thinking 'this won't solve anything'? I suppose I did it because it was a release, a way of getting the pain and negativity from my head to outside of my body. It was a more tangible way of 'dealing' with my negative thoughts. Also, I guess it was a cry for help. No one can see the pain and torment going on inside my head, but a cut on my arm is visible to myself and to whomever I feel strong enough to tell at that time (my Mum and my GP).
Despite these horrible symptoms, and believe me there are many more that I've never experienced, it is possible to start thinking positively again. It takes time and lots of hard work but it is possible. I have found seeing a CBT therapist for one-to-one sessions the most helpful way of learning the tricks I need to keep on going. I am getting better at telling 'Gary the Gremlin' to 'bog off' and around my bedroom mirror are post-it notes displaying my most positive attributes as voted by family and close friends. Not self-indulgent, just nice reminders.
So to anyone who reads this, who is, or has been in a similar place to me - fight the good fight. And it is a good fight...only good can come of it despite how difficult it is. Good for you, good for your loved ones, good for people you've never met. You are strong. You are a good person. You have so much to give.
And, you are not alone. 1 in 4 people in the UK experience a mental illness each year, so together, we can build up quite an army of people prepared to stand up and be counted.
Lastly (and I really am shutting up this time), through the Black Dog Tribe on Facebook (founded by Ruby Wax), I found this wonderful video of a real-life person sharing her experiences of anxiety. I'm still too scared to do a vlog (that's the technical term for a video blog don't you know) but this woman sums it up quite well...
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